playd8

smile bright 

god is sunshine

melting laughter

out the gutter 

something right 

weak hands 

kisses, hugs

keeping straight faced

getting high 

rolling circles 

round my cuboid 

you’re not a big drinker 

and I get so serious 

don’t know what time it was 

lookin’ so perfect 

high hopes

though there’s fire 

burning in the distance 

forever after 

doesn’t exist 

groovy 

baby spin it 

forget 

like the first time 

like the last time 

right now 

right now we got sunshine 

god is light reflecting

off your eyes 

Wander

duality dribbling
trying to disconnect
from the illusory circuit
cyclical, all of it
a matter of recognition
when I see the same teachings
dressed in dark shadows
and fanciful costumes
a preoccupation from
noticing the obscurities
clinging to the corners
like dangling cobwebs
a jumbled pattern is
what it all boils down to
we are what we do
and some things are a virtue
the wander will continue
we are not static
the feelings are
simply sensations
drifting inside and out
of a quivering fleshbag
the antidote is always
to drift from that place
from the monkey emotions
to find serenity in the elements
in mountains, in the forest

Wicked Game

I am on my hands and knees.
Bending at the heart of me.

Stop to catch a shattered inhale
Can’t get it inside
Of me fast enough.
Crisp, clean air.
I looked back and
I shouldn’t have.
The sweet smell
Of salt and trees, standing
At the edge of the ocean.
Dancing for the waves.
I drift.
The best parts of me, come
Out when everything else
Has been let go.
Keep running.
Slip into the abyss,
Of where is she now.
Who knows.

Hiding in the midnight of my soul.

The Headland of the Eastport Peninsula at Salvage, September 19, 1986

 

Dubium Sunshine

I try to hide the things I don’t want to see.
And if my mind goes crazy I will follow your lead.

The doctor’s knife
is mighty sharp
dipping into parts
of me,
Don’t cry ’cause
if you do,
I will too,
and that’s not going to
do either of us any good
now will it, sweetie?

And it’s funny how,
it’s so much easier
behind a screen
to have these talks
the words,
they come out clean,
we have time to refine
our thoughts and feelings
and thank god
we don’t have to deal
with facial expressions
or an awkward silence
in between

So she emailed me,
the time and day
when I’d show up
forgetting slippers and strip
down to my underwear,
using that knitted sweater
I look pretty in
as a comfort blanket,
and it’s been a long time
since I’ve had an Ativan
so that’s really nice
and using the baby IV,
that’s really sweet

Let the medicine
trickle into me gently,
I’ve spent enough time
thinking anything less
could actually hurt me
I shudder at that
creeping feeling
of needing,
how it found its way out
like a worm

The desire
to be caressed or
kissed on the neck,
I’m kind of glad that
He never got to feel
me wrap my toes
around his Achilles’ heel
it would have hurt,
to feel someone hate that

So now I can focus,
on the matter at hand
this process must be
done in solitude these
altercations of the heart
the slicing of that
which doesn’t serve me
petty liaisons are
the least of my worries,
And I’m glad,
when they put on the gas mask
and I’m happy,
to cut out another piece
’cause who needed it anyway

It’s just blood tithings, babe.

So thanks for sending this over
let me just fax a response
after I’ve cleared my head
I’ll just email you my blood work
and my heart scans,
print out a prescription
for opiates and yes,
I’ll be careful with them,
they are damn nice for that pang
though I’ll have to admit

And I’ll try to
forgive myself for all the
“I should have knowns,”
while I’m lying in bed
replaying scenarios, like
cheeseburgers on Valentines
sure I’ll be okay, even though
I have this nasty tendency
to faint you know
but off I go with no breakfast,
stay in bed and sleep,
and I know I repeat myself
when I drink too much it’s
like an anxious tick

The impending doom
of a knife, reminds me
that these organs are not
to be toyed with,
real heartache is not
something I need to deal with,
outside of the contraption
that’s been sliding around
inside of me, trying to
gather information
about the algorithms
of my heart beat,
and I really don’t need to
distract myself with these
haphazard romantic antics,
these fake pirouettes
I’ve been trying to dance, just to
impress nobody

So for now, I’ll allow
the scars and mistakes
They’ve made me who I am
even now while I’m
drifting out of consciousness,
I know that all of this it
happens for a reason,
So thanks for holding my hand up
to the scary part and letting me
deal with this on my own

Crazy I will follow your lead.

Whatever will be, will be

  

The future’s not ours.

Visceral. 

That’s how I feel when I walk alone. Letting songs run through my mind like they have a thousand times by headphones. Old stories my mind doesn’t like to let go of. Little snippets of him, that time, when I. 

As soon as you try to put it in words, you’ve defined it. 

When you sleep amongst the trees, it’s like their roots reach beneath you, absorbing your sweat and tears. You suck in the clean air trickling from their droopy leaves. Feeding. Giving and recieving. If I could tell you how special this is, the process, I’ve already ruined its beautiful mystery.

Does it feel good? Just like it should?

It’s always happening right now. Everything you could think of. Every single thing. I imagine all of the possibilities, and then I’m brought back to the trees. They speak to me, they point at things. They frown, they tease. The million times I’ve wished I’d had a hand to hold, I let that go, I hold my own. 

If I slip, it’s not your fault, it is my own. 

I see slugs, I kick up rocks along the rainy spraying coast. Walking for hours through marsh lands. I wonder what the term, “sound mind,” really means and then I end up on the street. This isn’t where I planned the path would end and my heart skips a beat. A woman’s house, isolated in Courtenay, advertising reiki. 

Come back, the Spirits beg, they scream at times to me.