hazecitron

call me
sometime
Adam in
the garden
of midsummer eve
today
just wanted to feel
that round plastic on
my hips one more time
droppin' tears
droppin' seeds
suntime, this is it
when I'm
most alive
keep dancin'
to throw
'em off but
gotta cry
as soon as
I'm alone
afraid to get cut
open again
I told 'em
to take it out
what the fuck else
could anyone want
I cannot
I brushed my hair
today in the mirror
in my bra
and underwear
wet dreams
reminded of a time
in high school
young
doing my hair
makeup
kilt to my knees
multicoloured
ribbony scrunchies
blue and green
eyeshadows imagining
to myself
someday I'll be older
grown out
pretty
have a boyfriend
a motorcycle
it's funny
better in some ways
freedom is how
you perceive
your life
I can blend
disappear
I know
stay strong
but damn
five surgeries in
and hey
I got this
kinda don't
shaking
I'll dance one more time
and I'll cry

how ya feel?
how ya feel?

jellyking summer

jerkin it off 

wide eyed 

to the sunrise

won’t lie

but 

I’ll hide mine

if you hide yours 

rose tinted frames babe

let’s not 

I’d rather 

get lost

down every road 

follow me

or don’t 

love is easy

we all know

I do strange things

attract strange types

can’t help but find 

the walls exhale out 

towards aquatic expanses 

I walk to the water

always towards the water 

where you feel 

disoriented like you’re not

quite where you were just 

a moment ago 

got an imagination 

take the Empress like a pirate

portals, pathways

if you knew the spirits

that mingled in my words

evil ways babe 

you’d have let me

run away long

so long ago 

makehave

hot damn

god lit 

the sky 

with our eyescape

time, human 

invention 

oh my

distance, perception 

streetcar 

metro

little oval window

fastrack 

past wondering 

why

meshed neurological 

skycrack to

your mouth 

open

sweet nectarine 

juicy

feel the scars in me

been cut 

help yourself

inside and 

when you’re gone 

cruising long paved stretches

think of this 

time is a dream

liquid, fertile 

seeds in soil

strum it while

I’m panting here 

spinning 

whirling dervish kitten 

put it 

onto my shivering 

open blossom

I’ll come

to kiss you again and against

white birch and cedar

I promise

fireline

the girl with mauve lips 

takes my hand and brings me

to the hole in the wall 

we go up 

I step back and watch 

her line of fire 

every time I go up

these stairs they

take me to another place 

night outside like a vigil 

and all these people 

fragmented, pieces of me

pull the single, red thread 

of my spirit that calls 

to wander in the pool

strange souls 

felt so clear, sinking into them

my darkness laid out bare 

wading until dawn 

scattered voices

the soft hum of instruments 

the fear of what I’d invited in

melting from anima 

there are no answers 

in the fireline

only silhouettes 

The maze of me

rippling
throwing stones into an ocean
searching for the wander
that has been me

the twisting butterfly
can’t go back
once cocooning is complete
welling waves
get me every time
why can’t we stay
with the water
the sweet milky place
carving at the story
over and over
she teaches me
to love the act of letting go
it makes the sunset everbright
it makes tomorrow
less dark, less scary
I could stand beneath
volcanoes I’ve imagined
learn to harness
the intimate energies
working within my body
soft, strong
finding peace in distant callings
in the words between
long silences and longings

drifting
in that sweet soulspace,
pulling guidance from
the maze of me

Everybody’s gotta learn sometimes 

  

Change your heart, it will astound you.

Attachment to a specific outcome, expecting things to turn out the way you planned will always cause you to suffer. The more I think something is gonna go a certain way, the more intrigued I am to watch how it unfolds through a series of events I’d never have been able to imagine.

I saw a guy once with “It changes like the weather” tattooed in a rough, dark typeface across his forearm. I fell in love with him immediately. I never got his name. I expected that I would at least talk to him. We never made eye contact.

I always liked breaking the rules so much growing up: sneaking out of my bedroom at night, blowing cigarette smoke out my window, walking out of class. It’s ironic how I spent so much time crying and fussing over all the moments life took my rules and smashed them in my face.

Like that time I thought he’d show up.

When my steaks weren’t bloody enough over that campfire and under the moon.

Or when she didn’t lunge herself at me and tell me I was her one and only forever. 

That’s okay, let it get weird in this chapter, see where it takes you. I used to do improv when I was a teenager and one of the biggest rules in the game is: always say yes. As soon as you break down the scene and try to control it, “No! We’re at a gas station not the pizza parlour,” you lose your captivated audience. 

You’re the actors starring in the movie of your life. Your higher You and your little you. You know when you say “I can’t stand living with myself”? That’s the higher you having enough of your ego. Two partners on stage disagreeing about what they’re doing. Let them hold hands, feel each other out. One needs the other for survival. We created this dualism in order to evolve as beings.

Have fun with it.  

Only your little you gets upset about how the way things should be. When you allow yourself to just be, when the story is all out of loop but you’re still stood there smilin, damn is it ever pretty.