pain is only breath

eclectic electromagnetic
brainstorms swish into
motion every morning
into momentum
been programmed
to function at overcapacity
what do you mean
I need to stop
be unproductive not contribute
can’t not work what do you mean
I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe I can’t I need to be
alone in my room hold it in for
five-four-three-two-one
hold it inside for two and out
five-four-three-two-one
ever since I flew and
life got ripped from my hands
what I thought was control
on the surface, trying to remain
in tact, smiling in conversation
I function I’m ok,
this whole back and forth, expected
to show up
smiles and transactions
mentally breaking
psychologically drifting
into caffeine into
friends looking out for you
broken bird
pounce
wing flicking out
bone shard
sliding beneath skin
cracking, popping bone inside
like a broken piano key, part of me
to have for always
unless they cut me
my choice
dig into this
brokenness
put my heart, soul under
microscope, let’s see
how much I hurt
let’s see, how much
I can handle before I
sign out
how little I can go on before
I lose it completely
grasp on reality
ripping hospital bands
off of my wrist
goddamnit
don’t want another surgery
resist! resist! it’s a lesson!
must embrace it! flower child!
bullshit.
in denial, tripping
into this ether of unemployed nihilism
opinions torn
don’t fucking know anymore
been trying
anything
work, don’t work
work, work harder
break
make everyone happy
believe in yourself
harder
mantra: I am so much more
than scooping mac and cheese
I believe!
cracking open my body
a small stepping stone
to find stillness
forced to write
nothing left
but to put mind down
in words
forced to stop in a world
that does not
no more ignoring
the dull, inside ache
always wondered
what chronic felt like
whether I’d be able to handle it
if I’d need to take pills
it’s small
large, then small once again
like holding the breath
for two and then exhaling out
once again

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passionflower

blooming into

the soft unknown 

from dirt 

from dark

falling outwards 

into the sunlight

unravelling 

a shortcut out

a window 

the bigger picture

the passionflower inside 

takes over and I 

blossom 

don’t let the fear stop you

don’t let the fear

they might eat you alive

but you were planted 

we were