sunmachine

I like it consistent

tearing open the head

heartwings

spirit curlicues spreading

from all directions

out from me

can’t help but

break the ego

cracked like an egg

again

and again

letting go of

gooey entrails

spreading from

between my fingertips

practice baby

practice makes perfect

the fear of what

you might see

dark, deep

real parts

cider exchanges pain

the sheer shirt doesn’t

hide it

hornwing

can’t stop dancing

tiptoeing across

existential dread

limbo bent over

little thoughts

dangle out the psyche

never ending thread

swirling from the

centre of my forehead

knitted

little playthings

colours follow

through they

swirl, rainbow dragonflies

my insides

alien pixie

wings to set me free

distant lands

you can follow

if you please

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delay

little soul

likes to

vocalize

aches

dance

pain

she wants to

hold you

let you breathe

big heavy sighs

honey builds stories

tall towers

inevitable, a tumble

dreamscapes, imaginings

kinetic blocks of sound and colour

she builds them these

sentimental eruptions

that fall to pieces

they must

we all fall

to put and end to

these huge explosions

pointless

wouldn’t it be nice

eschewing sentiment and feeling

love is madness, chaos

suffering perspective

the pain could stop

but then, the pleasure goes too

pain is only breath

eclectic electromagnetic
brainstorms swish into
motion every morning
into momentum
been programmed
to function at overcapacity
what do you mean
I need to stop
be unproductive not contribute
can’t not work what do you mean
I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe I can’t I need to be
alone in my room hold it in for
five-four-three-two-one
hold it inside for two and out
five-four-three-two-one
ever since I flew and
life got ripped from my hands
what I thought was control
on the surface, trying to remain
in tact, smiling in conversation
I function I’m ok,
this whole back and forth, expected
to show up
smiles and transactions
mentally breaking
psychologically drifting
into caffeine into
friends looking out for you
broken bird
pounce
wing flicking out
bone shard
sliding beneath skin
cracking, popping bone inside
like a broken piano key, part of me
to have for always
unless they cut me
my choice
dig into this
brokenness
put my heart, soul under
microscope, let’s see
how much I hurt
let’s see, how much
I can handle before I
sign out
how little I can go on before
I lose it completely
grasp on reality
ripping hospital bands
off of my wrist
goddamnit
don’t want another surgery
resist! resist! it’s a lesson!
must embrace it! flower child!
bullshit.
in denial, tripping
into this ether of unemployed nihilism
opinions torn
don’t fucking know anymore
been trying
anything
work, don’t work
work, work harder
break
make everyone happy
believe in yourself
harder
mantra: I am so much more
than scooping mac and cheese
I believe!
cracking open my body
a small stepping stone
to find stillness
forced to write
nothing left
but to put mind down
in words
forced to stop in a world
that does not
no more ignoring
the dull, inside ache
always wondered
what chronic felt like
whether I’d be able to handle it
if I’d need to take pills
it’s small
large, then small once again
like holding the breath
for two and then exhaling out
once again

teahouse

mind games fall aside

when you see them

small, little person

gliding along the edges of

the grandiose ma

her jagged, curvaceous

monstrosity of a soul

incapsulating all

massive biodome, jutting

pyramids, swirling aqua

sparkling around

shimmering sandbanks

hundred thousand year old

dirty ice hunks

you want to lick

if this mountain were a woman, I’d ask her to sit on my face.

fuck overpriced parking spots

fancy hotels, air-mattresses

just pull in to the Great Divide

slide beside the German or Dutch tourists they can watch through their fancy RV window

while I slice this

white duct-taped piece of plastic

in millions of circles

through the air

pull down the seats

lay out blankets

listen to Blind Willie Johnson

and drink bourbon

when the wildfire smoke

cleared away and I could really

see Her Majesty

when I could really feel you

hypersensitive, my heart

softens to your touch

cold rocks and soft skin

overwhelming

the sheer sight of your nakedness

stretching for miles

dancing dust

hold my hand, my soul

carpediem

when your eyes
went sideways
and your mother said
"we lost him"
I never realized
what that really meant
neck clench, limb twist
"call 9-11"
nothing like it
not a fucking thing remotely
like this
"stay with me"
she said
while I had your head
in my lap
bloody mess
when you see a woman
in the zone
her baby on the ground
man
infinite content through
every neural pathway
I've got you
I've got you
that gutteral cry when you
turn in the middle of the night
after coming home
from emerge
twice again
mouth clamped
limbs spinning when you
come out
you saw me in waves
held hands
yours twisted
reaching through a dream
good god damn
didn't know where he
was going
but he knew he was there
knew for a moment
it comes and goes in waves
then the day is
forever gone
but I see you
coming back slowly
I never realized
this slow strange
process of breaking open
my heart
meant nights at St. Mike's
colouring books
untying the hospital gown
to scratch your back
the greatest joy when
you have
a sporadic, patterned itch
not a seizure again
I'll handle that
silent communication, eyes glazed
terror if I have to though
I'm prepared now
damn what a way
to meet your fam
but I'm glad
we can be
brain-fizzed cuddlebuds
when someone goes
down a rabbit hole of
grandeur like you have
dear man
I'll be your best goddamn friend

phantomdream

delirious bliss, panting
on top
that feeling when you
realize you did it
now you can exhale
goosebumps
over oceans
alone and empty
a vessel, a breath
like open windows
cool summer breezes
the smell of cedar and smoke
the soft sound of fingertips
hitting characters
water boiling
bird sounds
planting seeds
watch me
fall in love
with the world
come
time expanding like
an open chalice
heartwide
sunshine dripping out
the windowpane
home again
sweet space
between nature, nurture
ripples in the skyline
safe earthly haven
awaiting

hazecitron

call me
sometime
Adam in
the garden
of midsummer eve
today
just wanted to feel
that round plastic on
my hips one more time
droppin' tears
droppin' seeds
suntime, this is it
when I'm
most alive
keep dancin'
to throw
'em off but
gotta cry
as soon as
I'm alone
afraid to get cut
open again
I told 'em
to take it out
what the fuck else
could anyone want
I cannot
I brushed my hair
today in the mirror
in my bra
and underwear
wet dreams
reminded of a time
in high school
young
doing my hair
makeup
kilt to my knees
multicoloured
ribbony scrunchies
blue and green
eyeshadows imagining
to myself
someday I'll be older
grown out
pretty
have a boyfriend
a motorcycle
it's funny
better in some ways
freedom is how
you perceive
your life
I can blend
disappear
I know
stay strong
but damn
five surgeries in
and hey
I got this
kinda don't
shaking
I'll dance one more time
and I'll cry

how ya feel?
how ya feel?