delay

little soul

likes to

vocalize

aches

dance

pain

she wants to

hold you

let you breathe

big heavy sighs

honey builds stories

tall towers

inevitable, a tumble

dreamscapes, imaginings

kinetic blocks of sound and colour

she builds them these

sentimental eruptions

that fall to pieces

they must

we all fall

to put and end to

these huge explosions

pointless

wouldn’t it be nice

eschewing sentiment and feeling

love is madness, chaos

suffering perspective

the pain could stop

but then, the pleasure goes too

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pain is only breath

eclectic electromagnetic
brainstorms swish into
motion every morning
into momentum
been programmed
to function at overcapacity
what do you mean
I need to stop
be unproductive not contribute
can’t not work what do you mean
I can’t breathe
I can’t breathe I can’t I need to be
alone in my room hold it in for
five-four-three-two-one
hold it inside for two and out
five-four-three-two-one
ever since I flew and
life got ripped from my hands
what I thought was control
on the surface, trying to remain
in tact, smiling in conversation
I function I’m ok,
this whole back and forth, expected
to show up
smiles and transactions
mentally breaking
psychologically drifting
into caffeine into
friends looking out for you
broken bird
pounce
wing flicking out
bone shard
sliding beneath skin
cracking, popping bone inside
like a broken piano key, part of me
to have for always
unless they cut me
my choice
dig into this
brokenness
put my heart, soul under
microscope, let’s see
how much I hurt
let’s see, how much
I can handle before I
sign out
how little I can go on before
I lose it completely
grasp on reality
ripping hospital bands
off of my wrist
goddamnit
don’t want another surgery
resist! resist! it’s a lesson!
must embrace it! flower child!
bullshit.
in denial, tripping
into this ether of unemployed nihilism
opinions torn
don’t fucking know anymore
been trying
anything
work, don’t work
work, work harder
break
make everyone happy
believe in yourself
harder
mantra: I am so much more
than scooping mac and cheese
I believe!
cracking open my body
a small stepping stone
to find stillness
forced to write
nothing left
but to put mind down
in words
forced to stop in a world
that does not
no more ignoring
the dull, inside ache
always wondered
what chronic felt like
whether I’d be able to handle it
if I’d need to take pills
it’s small
large, then small once again
like holding the breath
for two and then exhaling out
once again

teahouse

mind games fall aside

when you see them

small, little person

gliding along the edges of

the grandiose ma

her jagged, curvaceous

monstrosity of a soul

incapsulating all

massive biodome, jutting

pyramids, swirling aqua

sparkling around

shimmering sandbanks

hundred thousand year old

dirty ice hunks

you want to lick

if this mountain were a woman, I’d ask her to sit on my face.

fuck overpriced parking spots

fancy hotels, air-mattresses

just pull in to the Great Divide

slide beside the German or Dutch tourists they can watch through their fancy RV window

while I slice this

white duct-taped piece of plastic

in millions of circles

through the air

pull down the seats

lay out blankets

listen to Blind Willie Johnson

and drink bourbon

when the wildfire smoke

cleared away and I could really

see Her Majesty

when I could really feel you

hypersensitive, my heart

softens to your touch

cold rocks and soft skin

overwhelming

the sheer sight of your nakedness

stretching for miles

dancing dust

hold my hand, my soul

hazecitron

call me
sometime
Adam in
the garden
of midsummer eve
today
just wanted to feel
that round plastic on
my hips one more time
droppin' tears
droppin' seeds
suntime, this is it
when I'm
most alive
keep dancin'
to throw
'em off but
gotta cry
as soon as
I'm alone
afraid to get cut
open again
I told 'em
to take it out
what the fuck else
could anyone want
I cannot
I brushed my hair
today in the mirror
in my bra
and underwear
wet dreams
reminded of a time
in high school
young
doing my hair
makeup
kilt to my knees
multicoloured
ribbony scrunchies
blue and green
eyeshadows imagining
to myself
someday I'll be older
grown out
pretty
have a boyfriend
a motorcycle
it's funny
better in some ways
freedom is how
you perceive
your life
I can blend
disappear
I know
stay strong
but damn
five surgeries in
and hey
I got this
kinda don't
shaking
I'll dance one more time
and I'll cry

how ya feel?
how ya feel?

playd8

smile bright 

god is sunshine

melting laughter

out the gutter 

something right 

weak hands 

kisses, hugs

keeping straight faced

getting high 

rolling circles 

round my cuboid 

you’re not a big drinker 

and I get so serious 

don’t know what time it was 

lookin’ so perfect 

high hopes

though there’s fire 

burning in the distance 

forever after 

doesn’t exist 

groovy 

baby spin it 

forget 

like the first time 

like the last time 

right now 

right now we got sunshine 

god is light reflecting

off your eyes 

Dreamscape 

They touched pinkie

to thumb, an alchemical

devilish hand gesture

peering through masked eyes

dark figures, religious, occult

running for the elevator

can’t get out of this one

fast enough

finger-slamming the button

“C’mon, c’mon!”

two floors up, eyes wide shut

Tail lights in the forest

white van, he’s handsome

park alongside a trail

hop out to take a piss

we were roaming

we were vagabonds with

candid grins

we took photos

naked in the moonlight

Blue ocean brimming

old man, glass eye, wrinkled grin

he took us out in his boat

magic whirlwind of white

water splashing

hundreds of feet high

swirling, we were flying

subconscious vessel story

into the deep Jung depths

of finding one another

peered into your soul for

just a moment, or was it hours

we held hands

even though we were sinking

we were dreaming

just falling

Citilily

autopilot
cruise control
white sandstorm of thinking
busy, eager, 9 to 5ers,
crowded, climbing, piling 
stacks of buildings
swaying slightly 
condensed culture
in a tin can
pour it into coffee
longing for a forest
moonlight, florals
naked skin
readjusting freedom
break out of the slime shell
shaking loose of patterns
space in stillness
ecstasy in breath
I find surrender when I come
into my body
slipping sideways
in my soul