I woke up at three in the morning, wide-eyed. The full moonlight streaking white lines on my skin as I quietly slipped my legs out from the covers. Possessed, I wasn’t falling back asleep.
Hush little girl, don’t wake him again.
Snores reverberate off of thin walls, a body burrowed beneath a cigarette-burned comforter. Light a match, smoke the herb, feel the calm spindling down my spine. It’s been four months since I ran away from the city lights. But something still finds a way to keep me up at night. Something I tried to kill, it still hasn’t died.
The harder I try to find silence, solace. The louder the wind gusts.
I used to fix my hair everyday, put on patterned shirts and paint my lips real bright. Smiling wide as I handed pretty packaged lunches to lawyers and bankers. The artificial lights, they’d dry me up. Makeup couldn’t cover this kind of imperfection – scales and patches of lizard-like skin under my eyes. Eating superfoods everyday, still malnourished inside.
I would spend my days envying all the pretty people with their pretty outfits and shoes always in such a hurry, always with such shiny cards. All the pretentious things, punching the clock. I envied their drive, their direction, their sense of purpose. My job felt like a charade, they set up a fairy on puppet strings so she could make some coin living in that grey, grey cityscape.
Sky blue, the sun glistenin’
I hear morning birds whistlin’
Yesterday I weren’t listenin’
But now I feel different
I’ve been down in the alley
With darkness around me
Where everything’s cloudy and grey
But not today
Wherever you go, there you are. Throwing my belongings out on the streets, flying ‘cross the Atlantic, changing my number still never got me away from me. My endless fiery hot energy, my anger and frustration at being thrown into a big bad world that stomps on wee PolyFae dreams.
I walked along the beach, quiet and alone. No cars, no beeps, no streets. Just the sound of Mama Océanne splashing through my daydreams. Hey girl, this is what you came here for.
I snapped my hula hoop together and played a tune on my portable boombox. I didn’t take a photo of myself doing it, I didn’t get someone to film me. I breathed and felt the hoop sweep around my waist, I grabbed it and spun it in circles. Tip-toeing over the rocky ocean edge, feeling the wind and rain tingle on my skin. Overwhelming emotion overcame me, joy, bliss, solitude, life-force. And I realized this morning, in a rainy November mist, that the PolyFae do exist.
We are all together, even when we’re apart.
All the love you’ll ever need exists within you, and all the magic too. I realized today that, all the joy I’ll ever need resides inside. And today, when I woke up to the beauty of the Universe’s beckoning hand, I realized, that She wanted to dance.